The Shattered Heart of the Wandering Soul: Part 2

I soon forgot him, though heavily regretted giving up what I was. In the years to come, I spent countless hours at countless jobs that barely sustained me, just trying to scrape a living. Trying to squeeze a dollar out of a dime wasn't working for me.

I thought about how popular, how well known I used to be in High School. How, when I started failing, the counselors immediately came to my aid. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. Then my mind would flutter on the thought of something else. For a brief moment, I would delude myself with thoughts of success, regardless of whether or not I was great back then. It helped some, but the over all effect was depressing.

For a year I had nobody to turn too. I had friends, yes, but as before I saw them as "two-faced". Because of the boy I had lost all sense of trust. Not only trust but confidence. From then on I couldn't love. I couldn't ever feel something for someone without instantly questioning if they were going to screw me over in the end. Boyfriends came and went like midday lunch. Yet I couldn't handle the life of being a single, non-accomplished man. I had a need for someone in my life but not one guy could satisfy my thirst for trust and love.

I met another boy, a year younger than me. I was 22 at the time.

Last Post

I'm not for sure on this, but if I ever post on here again it will be a miracle. This may be my last post because I realized that I don't like sharing my life with the world. Not only that, I'm just flat out too angry now a days for it to even be interesting. I, actually, have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts. Thinking about all the people that would go to my funeral. There are a lot of them. I think about all the people who would go out of respect of the fact that they knew me and not because they liked me. Right now I feel there are a lot of them. Even as I am writing this, I have a knife not 2 feet away that I could just shove into my throat. I wonder how long it would hurt, how long would I still continue to live. Would I still be alive when my mom gets home from work. Would she be one of the people not too sad to see me leave.
No body needs to worry, because I'm not going to kill my self or anyone else for that matter. Basically, I'm going to change my life. I'm tired of feeling this way. If I ever post again... I don't know what that will mean. It means I'm not dead I guess. If not, just figure that I've made a better life.
(These thoughts are not brought on by Steven, me and him are fine.)

NEW LOOK

Hey everybody! I have a new look. I like it more. It displays my personal individuality more. So anyway, these holidays are a bit lonely with out steven coming over once a week and me not going over to his house once a week. I could definately do with one of our tickle fights.

Somethings wrong

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm having problems waking up in the morning. I'm always really tired in the morning. I had to skip school today cause I couldn't stay awake getting dressed. I literally blacked out and hit the floor trying to put my pants on.
But I don't know what it could be. I'm getting enough sleep, I know that. I go to bed at 11:00 pm and wake up at 7:00 am. Thats enough sleep time if you ask me. I'm emotionally sound. I don't get sad or angry about anything. But still, I wake up and I can't focus. Hell I'm even having problems in school with focusing and staying on task. I just want to sleep all day long. I went to bed at 11:00 last night and when i got up this morning at 7 i was really sleepy. So i went back to bed and didn't wake back up till 11. See what I mean. Why would I need 12 hours of sleep. Something is wrong

What really happened to the 7 deadly sins!

I wrote this deal on what really happened to all 7 deadly sins. I'll let you figure out which person is which sin. It shouldn't be too hard.

“OH MY GOSH I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!! UGH!!! I WANT A COOKIE!!! AND MAYBE SOME MILK AND EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE!!! BUT UNTIL I GET THAT COOKIE, I WILL NOT BE HAPPY!! OH AND MAYBE A DOUGHNUT, AND SOME CHOCOLATE, A PIZZA, FUNYUNS, SOME WATER, LOTS OF WATER, A HERSHEYS BAR UMM… SNO-CONE WITH CHERRY FLAVORING AND A SPOON, A WIDE SCREEN TV… MAKE THAT A 123” TV, AND MORE COOKIES, CHOCOLATE CHIP TO BE EXACT, SOME ICE CREAM, AND I’M GONNA NEED A SODA. THEN I’LL BE COOPERATIVE. TILL I RUN OUT. THEN I’M GONNA WANT...” - Famous last words of a glutton. (Cause of death: shot by a hotel manager)

“I NEED TO GET LAID, REALLY BAD. I WANT SOMEONE FINE AND SEXY WITH PERFECT MUSCLES AND THE SMELL OF HEAVEN. HE ALSO NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO PLEASE ME IN WAYS I’VE NEVER BEEN PLEASED BEFORE. I WANT TO HURT, YET HURT SO GOOD. OH AND HE MUST NOT BE…” – Famous last words of an over-imaginative perv. (Cause of death: shot by her husband)

“UGH..WHERE AM I ? WHY THE HECK AM I ON THE COUCH? WHY AM I NOT ON MY FUTON? IM TIRED. SOMEONE GET ME A SODA. I HATE YOU ALL. YOU ALL BITE…I’D KICK YOUR BUTTS, BUT IM TIRED. WHERE IS MY SODA?! I SWEAR I’LL …” – Famous last words of a lazy moron. (Cause of death: shot by mother who gave shelter to him till he was 30)

“OH MAN AM I PRETTY! I’M THE MOST GORGEOUS THING TO WALK THE FACE OF THIS PATHETIC EARTH. EARTH ISN’T EVEN AS HOT AS I AM! NOT ONLY THAT BUT I’M ALSO THE MOST SKILLED AT… WELL… ANYTHING! MAN I”M SEXY! AND THE REST OF YOU ARE PATHETIC! I HATE YOU ALL! I CAN’T STAND TO HAVE MY GRACEFULLNESS BESMURCHED BY ALL OF YOUR FILTH! I HATE YOU!” – Famous last words of a self-absorbed freak (Cause of death: shot himself)

“I WANT EVERYTHING!” – Famous last words of greedy man (Cause of death: someone thought it included getting shot)

“I WISH I HAD BRAD PITTS CAR. I WISH I HAD HIS LIFE, HIS WIFE, HIS LIVILYHOOD. I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HIM IN EVERY WAY. I CALL HIM BUT HE NEVER CALLS ME BACK I EVEN RAISED MONEY TO GET PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE HIM. ITS GREAT! PEOPLE ASK ME FOR MY AUTOGRAPH ALL THE TIME. BUT BRAD PITT IS SO AWESOME. EVERYTHING HE DOES. THE WAY HE WALKS, THE WAY HE…” – Famous last words a stalker (Cause of death: shot by Brad Pitt)

“I SHOT THEM ALL BECAUSE THEY BOTHERED ME, BUT SO DOES THE REST OF THE WORLD SO...” – Famous last word of a hateful Brad Pitt (Cause of death: shot himself)

Now I hope you get a laugh out of this, cause I was laughing my ass of when I wrote it.

Nature talks, if your willing to listen

Anything worth writing is inspired explicitly and without method.

I was traveling to my home from the closest restaraunt where I had just enjoyed a delicious burger and an interesting conversation with four of my friends. Its about a mile drive. I pulled into my drive-way, turned off the ignition and... well, I don't know how to explain it. My world just stopped. Everything just froze. Complete silence. Cars wizzing by at 50 miles an hour made a barely audible hum. The voice's of the neighboring children playing jumprope out in their yard echoed in the distance of eternity, and I found my self staring and a lone tree in the field across the highway. Watching as the wind rustled the leaves, slowly. Almost poeticly. I thought, "How beautiful!" I found amazement in this lone tree. It signified something to me. This beautiful green, lucious tree stood alone in a baren, dry, highly unpleasing field, yet it said something, it said it boldy. "Though I stand alone in all that is corrupt, I will be great."
I've been pretty down on myself lately, wondering if all I do is really worth it, and this tree was my sign. I started to think how me and this tree relate. To be honest, I don't consider myself the greatest there ever was. I know my accomplishments. They are many, though not amazing. I managed to come out in a highly prejudice area, literally I'm the only gay male for hundreds of miles. After which, I became president of the National Honor Society chapter in my school. I also maintained my status as Valadictorian and Captian of the basketball team.
All this is great, and true accomplishments but I was still not confident in myself. Don't ask me how, I just wasn't ok. This tree, in a matter of two minutes, changed my entire outlook on my life. On how people work. The tree replicated in nature what I have become to my small community. Isn't it amazing? How you can go about your life in a mildly entertaining, and unamusing style, then something like a tree in a field comes along and changes you. Nature talks, if your willing to listen. Not be a hippy, but thats how I see it.