Don't comment on my shit!

Thank you that is all

Ok i lied

Ok I lied i didn't kill myself and i am going to repost some more. I was just really hating life. I don't like being who i am, i want to change. And i guess thats whats going to happen.

Last Post

I'm not for sure on this, but if I ever post on here again it will be a miracle. This may be my last post because I realized that I don't like sharing my life with the world. Not only that, I'm just flat out too angry now a days for it to even be interesting. I, actually, have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts. Thinking about all the people that would go to my funeral. There are a lot of them. I think about all the people who would go out of respect of the fact that they knew me and not because they liked me. Right now I feel there are alot of them. Even as I am writing this, I have a knife not 2 feet away that I could just shove into my throught. I wonder how long it would hurt, how long would I still continue to live. Would I still be alive when my mom gets home from work. Would she be one of the people not too sad to see me leave.
No body needs to worry, because I'm not going to kill my self or anyone else for that matter. Basically, I'm going to change my life. I'm tired of feeling this way. If I ever post again... I don't know what that will mean. It means I'm not dead I guess. If not, just figure that I've made a better life.
(These thoughts are not brought on by Steven, me and him are fine.)

NEW LOOK

Hey everybody! I have a new look. I like it more. It displays my personal individuality more. So anyway, these holidays are a bit lonely with out steven coming over once a week and me not going over to his house once a week. I could definately do with one of our tickle fights.

After Christmas Thoughts

Ok, I got Steven his present. I can't give it too him yet cause I don't think I'll see him today or tomorrow at basketball practice. I will, however, see him the week school starts. He'll be coming to my house on the tuesday of that week. As far as I know we'll be alone so I can give it to him then. We'll have a private one present christmas of our own. It will be cool. NOW, to what I got him. I was searching the boad games, video games, all the games for something that he would like and didn't find any thing but Halo 3. The Bad thing about that is he doesn't have x-box 360 so that great present right there went out the window. I started thinking about what he spends his time doing. I have a rubix cube that he is constantly playing with. He's solved it like 4 times. Yeah he's really smart. Walking through the store, I saw it. An electronic rubix cube. ITs cool its got like different patterns for him to solve and stuff. ITs got a timers and other special games in it. Its really cool. As soon as i saw it i just had to get it for him. Its one of those times when you just know its perfect.
I got everything i wanted for christmas. I got new socks, undies, shirt, and pants. I also got a new electronic no shaving cream razor. Its really cool. I got new slippers, oh and new shoes. They are really cool too. Etinies. Comfy i must say. I've never had a pair, but they are perfect. Warm too. So basically a new wardrobe. I also got a beard trimmer kit. Its also really cool. Oh and one more thing. I got an iHome. That is the shit. I love that thing are you kidding me? I no longer have to go to sleep listening to my headphones and the iPod die. I can just leave it on. Not only that its an alarm clock. Its perfect for college, seeing as i'm graduating this year from high school. Ok well i'm done.

Happy New Years everyone. (don get too drunk ;)

My Past few weeks... ok longer.

You will never believe this. I'm sure those of you who have been reading this and actually check back now and then to see if I'm posting or not will be interested in reading this. Steven has finally come through. He hasn't said it out loud yet but over the past month now we've been getting closer and closer. The last time he was staying at my house, I gave him a foot massage that turned into a leg rub that turned into a body massage. It was wonderful. It was through his clothes, but it didn't change the fact that he was perfectly comfortable letting a gay boy, who loves him, massage his body and private regions. So much for being straight huh? I need to get him a christmas present. If anyones reading this, before tomorrow ends. He loves tactical games like Chess. any kind of strategy game for the computer, gameboy, or x-box. I want to get him something he doesn't have, and he doesn't have much so that will be easy. If your reading this send me some ideas for a good strategy game present.

Merry Christmas everybody!!!!!!

All the little things

I've never stopped to look deep into my own thoughts and feelings. I mean deep. Not just what I impulsly feel, but what weighs heavily on me as a person of moral value and immoral decisions. I think honestly I have fallen in love with this guy. I really do. I know that the other boys I've previously been with were not love. Purely infatuation. I'm not sure what it is. I know that I can't have him, even if his actions confuse me.
It's all the little things. He says he doesn't want to be with me, yet he's completely ok with me. Says he's straight, but looks at me as if he loved me too. I'm talking that deep longing look.
Let me tell you a story. I'll make it short and sweet.
I don't know how he can say he's straight and not attracted to me when the other day, during one of our tutoring sessions at my house, he was laying down on the couch and the foot rest. Looked really uncomfortable. I was up getting something to drink, when he asked me to come and confirm the answer to this problem. Well the only way I could see it was by either laying on the ground or crawling over him on the foot rest. I performed the latter. When I climed over him he brought his legs up and I kinda used them as a pedastool for laying on. Then out of nowhere, he puts his legs around my waist. Not wraped around, mind you, but, well, if someone came in they would have thought we were fucking.
Moving on.
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT, AND PASS FOR STRAIGHT?!!!
I love the kid, I really do. (incase your wondering, I'm talking about Steven. Search my posts for info on him) because when I'm around him, the only thing I can think about is how I can make him happy. I don't want anything special from him. More like for him. I can focus, but my mind constantly wanders to thoughts of him. I don't understand. This is also not the first incident like this. I usually react on my impulses. I've held a firm belief that you do what your gut and your heart tell you to. Every time I'm around him in situations like this, I immediately want to kiss him. My heart and my gut are both saying "GO FOR IT DUDE! I SWEAR YOU WON'T REGRET IT!"...
I guess the situation really wasn't a little thing. And if it is, its all the little things that cause me to feel this way.
I'm going to take my own advice and kiss him next time i have a chance. Probably tuesday.
Well, i'm out. I'm really tired and i have to work tomorrow.