Small town guy in a big city world

Don't comment on my shit!

2011-04-06T16:55:00.001-07:00

Thank you that is all

Ok i lied

2008-02-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

Ok I lied i didn't kill myself and i am going to repost some more. I was just really hating life. I don't like being who i am, i want to change. And i guess thats whats going to happen.

Last Post

2008-01-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not for sure on this, but if I ever post on here again it will be a miracle. This may be my last post because I realized that I don't like sharing my life with the world. Not only that, I'm just flat out too angry now a days for it to even be interesting. I, actually, have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts. Thinking about all the people that would go to my funeral. There are a lot of them. I think about all the people who would go out of respect of the fact that they knew me and not because they liked me. Right now I feel there are alot of them. Even as I am writing this, I have a knife not 2 feet away that I could just shove into my throught. I wonder how long it would hurt, how long would I still continue to live. Would I still be alive when my mom gets home from work. Would she be one of the people not too sad to see me leave.
No body needs to worry, because I'm not going to kill my self or anyone else for that matter. Basically, I'm going to change my life. I'm tired of feeling this way. If I ever post again... I don't know what that will mean. It means I'm not dead I guess. If not, just figure that I've made a better life.
(These thoughts are not brought on by Steven, me and him are fine.)

NEW LOOK

2007-12-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! I have a new look. I like it more. It displays my personal individuality more. So anyway, these holidays are a bit lonely with out steven coming over once a week and me not going over to his house once a week. I could definately do with one of our tickle fights.

After Christmas Thoughts

2007-12-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, I got Steven his present. I can't give it too him yet cause I don't think I'll see him today or tomorrow at basketball practice. I will, however, see him the week school starts. He'll be coming to my house on the tuesday of that week. As far as I know we'll be alone so I can give it to him then. We'll have a private one present christmas of our own. It will be cool. NOW, to what I got him. I was searching the boad games, video games, all the games for something that he would like and didn't find any thing but Halo 3. The Bad thing about that is he doesn't have x-box 360 so that great present right there went out the window. I started thinking about what he spends his time doing. I have a rubix cube that he is constantly playing with. He's solved it like 4 times. Yeah he's really smart. Walking through the store, I saw it. An electronic rubix cube. ITs cool its got like different patterns for him to solve and stuff. ITs got a timers and other special games in it. Its really cool. As soon as i saw it i just had to get it for him. Its one of those times when you just know its perfect.
I got everything i wanted for christmas. I got new socks, undies, shirt, and pants. I also got a new electronic no shaving cream razor. Its really cool. I got new slippers, oh and new shoes. They are really cool too. Etinies. Comfy i must say. I've never had a pair, but they are perfect. Warm too. So basically a new wardrobe. I also got a beard trimmer kit. Its also really cool. Oh and one more thing. I got an iHome. That is the shit. I love that thing are you kidding me? I no longer have to go to sleep listening to my headphones and the iPod die. I can just leave it on. Not only that its an alarm clock. Its perfect for college, seeing as i'm graduating this year from high school. Ok well i'm done.

Happy New Years everyone. (don get too drunk ;)

My Past few weeks... ok longer.

2007-12-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

You will never believe this. I'm sure those of you who have been reading this and actually check back now and then to see if I'm posting or not will be interested in reading this. Steven has finally come through. He hasn't said it out loud yet but over the past month now we've been getting closer and closer. The last time he was staying at my house, I gave him a foot massage that turned into a leg rub that turned into a body massage. It was wonderful. It was through his clothes, but it didn't change the fact that he was perfectly comfortable letting a gay boy, who loves him, massage his body and private regions. So much for being straight huh? I need to get him a christmas present. If anyones reading this, before tomorrow ends. He loves tactical games like Chess. any kind of strategy game for the computer, gameboy, or x-box. I want to get him something he doesn't have, and he doesn't have much so that will be easy. If your reading this send me some ideas for a good strategy game present.

Merry Christmas everybody!!!!!!

All the little things

2007-11-18T02:19:00.000-08:00

I've never stopped to look deep into my own thoughts and feelings. I mean deep. Not just what I impulsly feel, but what weighs heavily on me as a person of moral value and immoral decisions. I think honestly I have fallen in love with this guy. I really do. I know that the other boys I've previously been with were not love. Purely infatuation. I'm not sure what it is. I know that I can't have him, even if his actions confuse me.
It's all the little things. He says he doesn't want to be with me, yet he's completely ok with me. Says he's straight, but looks at me as if he loved me too. I'm talking that deep longing look.
Let me tell you a story. I'll make it short and sweet.
I don't know how he can say he's straight and not attracted to me when the other day, during one of our tutoring sessions at my house, he was laying down on the couch and the foot rest. Looked really uncomfortable. I was up getting something to drink, when he asked me to come and confirm the answer to this problem. Well the only way I could see it was by either laying on the ground or crawling over him on the foot rest. I performed the latter. When I climed over him he brought his legs up and I kinda used them as a pedastool for laying on. Then out of nowhere, he puts his legs around my waist. Not wraped around, mind you, but, well, if someone came in they would have thought we were fucking.
Moving on.
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT, AND PASS FOR STRAIGHT?!!!
I love the kid, I really do. (incase your wondering, I'm talking about Steven. Search my posts for info on him) because when I'm around him, the only thing I can think about is how I can make him happy. I don't want anything special from him. More like for him. I can focus, but my mind constantly wanders to thoughts of him. I don't understand. This is also not the first incident like this. I usually react on my impulses. I've held a firm belief that you do what your gut and your heart tell you to. Every time I'm around him in situations like this, I immediately want to kiss him. My heart and my gut are both saying "GO FOR IT DUDE! I SWEAR YOU WON'T REGRET IT!"...
I guess the situation really wasn't a little thing. And if it is, its all the little things that cause me to feel this way.
I'm going to take my own advice and kiss him next time i have a chance. Probably tuesday.
Well, i'm out. I'm really tired and i have to work tomorrow.

Long time

2007-10-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Wow, its been a long time since I last posted and I'm sorry. I just got my senior portrait proofs in today. I can't wait till I can get the real ones and post a couple here for yall to see. your gonna love them. I'm so hot! Just kidding.
Any way life is good other wise. I'm still really in love with Steven. Me and him had a tickle fight the other day. I'm not so sure that he is not gay. oh well, maybe he just doesn't like me back. Whatever at this point, right? If you are unaware of who steven is... look back at the post with the picture of a cute boy. You'll know immediately. ok lots of love to the readers and i'm sorry i haven't posted in a while, yes i'm a bit rushed cause i still have homework to do. Ok buhbyez.

Somethings wrong

2007-10-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm having problems waking up in the morning. I'm always really tired in the morning. I had to skip school today cause I couldn't stay awake getting dressed. I literally blacked out and hit the floor trying to put my pants on.
But I don't know what it could be. I'm getting enough sleep, I know that. I go to bed at 11:00 pm and wake up at 7:00 am. Thats enough sleep time if you ask me. I'm emotionally sound. I don't get sad or angry about anything. But still, I wake up and I can't focus. Hell I'm even having problems in school with focusing and staying on task. I just want to sleep all day long. I went to bed at 11:00 last night and when i got up this morning at 7 i was really sleepy. So i went back to bed and didn't wake back up till 11. See what I mean. Why would I need 12 hours of sleep. Something is wrong

What really happened to the 7 deadly sins!

2007-09-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

I wrote this deal on what really happened to all 7 deadly sins. I'll let you figure out which person is which sin. It shouldn't be too hard.

“OH MY GOSH I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!! UGH!!! I WANT A COOKIE!!! AND MAYBE SOME MILK AND EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE!!! BUT UNTIL I GET THAT COOKIE, I WILL NOT BE HAPPY!! OH AND MAYBE A DOUGHNUT, AND SOME CHOCOLATE, A PIZZA, FUNYUNS, SOME WATER, LOTS OF WATER, A HERSHEYS BAR UMM… SNO-CONE WITH CHERRY FLAVORING AND A SPOON, A WIDE SCREEN TV… MAKE THAT A 123” TV, AND MORE COOKIES, CHOCOLATE CHIP TO BE EXACT, SOME ICE CREAM, AND I’M GONNA NEED A SODA. THEN I’LL BE COOPERATIVE. TILL I RUN OUT. THEN I’M GONNA WANT...” - Famous last words of a glutton. (Cause of death: shot by a hotel manager)

“I NEED TO GET LAID, REALLY BAD. I WANT SOMEONE FINE AND SEXY WITH PERFECT MUSCLES AND THE SMELL OF HEAVEN. HE ALSO NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO PLEASE ME IN WAYS I’VE NEVER BEEN PLEASED BEFORE. I WANT TO HURT, YET HURT SO GOOD. OH AND HE MUST NOT BE…” – Famous last words of an over-imaginative perv. (Cause of death: shot by her husband)

“UGH..WHERE AM I ? WHY THE HECK AM I ON THE COUCH? WHY AM I NOT ON MY FUTON? IM TIRED. SOMEONE GET ME A SODA. I HATE YOU ALL. YOU ALL BITE…I’D KICK YOUR BUTTS, BUT IM TIRED. WHERE IS MY SODA?! I SWEAR I’LL …” – Famous last words of a lazy moron. (Cause of death: shot by mother who gave shelter to him till he was 30)

“OH MAN AM I PRETTY! I’M THE MOST GORGEOUS THING TO WALK THE FACE OF THIS PATHETIC EARTH. EARTH ISN’T EVEN AS HOT AS I AM! NOT ONLY THAT BUT I’M ALSO THE MOST SKILLED AT… WELL… ANYTHING! MAN I”M SEXY! AND THE REST OF YOU ARE PATHETIC! I HATE YOU ALL! I CAN’T STAND TO HAVE MY GRACEFULLNESS BESMURCHED BY ALL OF YOUR FILTH! I HATE YOU!” – Famous last words of a self-absorbed freak (Cause of death: shot himself)

“I WANT EVERYTHING!” – Famous last words of greedy man (Cause of death: someone thought it included getting shot)

“I WISH I HAD BRAD PITTS CAR. I WISH I HAD HIS LIFE, HIS WIFE, HIS LIVILYHOOD. I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HIM IN EVERY WAY. I CALL HIM BUT HE NEVER CALLS ME BACK I EVEN RAISED MONEY TO GET PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE HIM. ITS GREAT! PEOPLE ASK ME FOR MY AUTOGRAPH ALL THE TIME. BUT BRAD PITT IS SO AWESOME. EVERYTHING HE DOES. THE WAY HE WALKS, THE WAY HE…” – Famous last words a stalker (Cause of death: shot by Brad Pitt)

“I SHOT THEM ALL BECAUSE THEY BOTHERED ME, BUT SO DOES THE REST OF THE WORLD SO...” – Famous last word of a hateful Brad Pitt (Cause of death: shot himself)

Now I hope you get a laugh out of this, cause I was laughing my ass of when I wrote it.

Nature talks, if your willing to listen

2007-09-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Anything worth writing is inspired explicitly and without method.

I was traveling to my home from the closest restaraunt where I had just enjoyed a delicious burger and an interesting conversation with four of my friends. Its about a mile drive. I pulled into my drive-way, turned off the ignition and... well, I don't know how to explain it. My world just stopped. Everything just froze. Complete silence. Cars wizzing by at 50 miles an hour made a barely audible hum. The voice's of the neighboring children playing jumprope out in their yard echoed in the distance of eternity, and I found my self staring and a lone tree in the field across the highway. Watching as the wind rustled the leaves, slowly. Almost poeticly. I thought, "How beautiful!" I found amazement in this lone tree. It signified something to me. This beautiful green, lucious tree stood alone in a baren, dry, highly unpleasing field, yet it said something, it said it boldy. "Though I stand alone in all that is corrupt, I will be great."
I've been pretty down on myself lately, wondering if all I do is really worth it, and this tree was my sign. I started to think how me and this tree relate. To be honest, I don't consider myself the greatest there ever was. I know my accomplishments. They are many, though not amazing. I managed to come out in a highly prejudice area, literally I'm the only gay male for hundreds of miles. After which, I became president of the National Honor Society chapter in my school. I also maintained my status as Valadictorian and Captian of the basketball team.
All this is great, and true accomplishments but I was still not confident in myself. Don't ask me how, I just wasn't ok. This tree, in a matter of two minutes, changed my entire outlook on my life. On how people work. The tree replicated in nature what I have become to my small community. Isn't it amazing? How you can go about your life in a mildly entertaining, and unamusing style, then something like a tree in a field comes along and changes you. Nature talks, if your willing to listen. Not be a hippy, but thats how I see it.

2007-09-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

Lost Generations

2007-09-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

So my grandfather is dying. Interesting how I just say that like it doesn't matter, right? Well heres why. My grandpa, and for the sake of this post and less typing he will be called G-pa, has been a HUGE part of my life. But I hate him. I never had a dad, like litereally my mom raised me on her lonesome. But my G-pa has been the father figure. Only worse. He really has never had anything good to say about. Even to my face, he would sit there and tell me how lazy I was cause i wouldn't fold the towels properly, or I let mom do the laundry while I do the dishes.
Another thing is he would tell me to my face that I am not intelligent. Now don't get me wrong, I don't claim to be the smartest guy in the world. I think though that being the #1 student in my class counts for something.
My G-pa is a classified genius. He bases his decision of my intellect on weather or not I see things his way.
I don't know how to put this. He really does hate me. I know your thinking, "oh just shut up, your grandfather just wants to see you succeed." WRONG. When I was 11, I opted to live with him for a year when my mom decided to move to the city. Picture a small town with like 17 houses total and no school. Before the year was even up, he kicked me out of his house. I WAS 11!!!! And anyone in my family was over 3 hours away. Do you know what kicking an 11 year old boy with no where to go out of your house will do to him? I was devestated.
Still, though I was forced to include him in my life. And you could say he was forced to include me in his. Either way I wasn't happy, but he got a kick out of telling me how stupid I was every day. I litterally wished him dead. Though I was always polite and respectful to him, I hated that man.
And now he lays on his death bed requesting to see me. I REFUSE! Not untill later anyways. They gave him like 4 months so I have time. I need to gather up what I want to say to him.
I don't think there is a way in hell that I can forgive him. Even if he asks for it. But I know that he doesn't want to talk to me to say he's sorry. If he was really sorry he would have included me in his Will in some small way. Even if he left me, just say, his old picture album of our family.
I'm having some issues with the fact that he's on his death bed, wants to talk to me about God knows what, and still hates me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like crap. I want to ask him why he hates me. Cause I'm not really sure. But I'll have to do it later.

P.S. I DON'T CARE IF THERE ARE SPELLING ERRORS IN THIS POST, I'M NOT WRITING A SHORT STORY SO I DON'T BE SO PICKY. ITS PRETTY GOOD FOR THE MOST PART.

BLASTPHAMY!!!

2007-09-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha!!! Just kidding! No today was pretty regular. Lets see, I started off the day with no breakfast at home, got to school and had breakfast burritto nasty. Proceeded to with my Japanese class. Then the day seemed to go by fairly quickly.
Till basketball open gym started. It was great, actually better than usual. I made some real progress today. As a basketball player, any opportunity to play I consider practice. I may be one of the best in the state, but that ain't crap. I still need work.
And that was the day today for me. Quite boring actually. The fact that I blogged it is pathetic. Oh well, welcome to my world.

Fantasys are but dreams in a broken world

2007-09-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Alright, this boy here has to be my most endorsed fantasy. I actually had a dream about him last night. I wish he would let me love him, but the unfortunate reality is that he's straight. It would be SO much easier if he wasn't so accepting though. He loves to talk about how much I like him. What I like about him. Let me tell you, this doesn't help at all. Yesterday, I thought since because he is accepting maybe he is actually gay just really shy. So, like an idiot, I asked if he ever thought about an "us". He said yes. I saw a ray of hope. So I proceeded to ask if he had or would consider actually being with me, not sexually, but together. He declined. He descibed, in detail, what he had actually thought about. It was so sweet and so romantic, which is a great sign, but he said he couldn't do it because it felt weird to him. Just not right. And then maybe he is curious because he did think about it, however I feel my chances are slim. The last thing I asked him was if I were to ask him to kiss me would his answer just be a strict no. And he hesitated, then said "yeah pretty much." but not happily. But the way attraction works. He doesn't appear to feel the same for me as I do for him, so, I guess I'm gonna have to let what I feel for him die, and I HATE that. I mean just look at him he's great looking, one hell of a great sense of humor, and he's number 1 in his class. So am I so its a good match but, it can't work if its not mutual. And I don't see that happening. But atleast he stays at my house every tuesday night so I get to see him plenty. Its not like he's dropping out of my life for good. He's happier to know I really want to be with him. Makes him feel good. Makes me feel horrible. But as long as he's happy I can settle for just friends.

The Shattered Heart of the Wandering Soul

2007-08-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

I've never had a release. Everywhere I've been, everywhere I've ever lived, every "heartless hero" that had that gall to call themselves my friend. Nothing could ever sooth my emotions. For years they burned inside me and I was only like a moth drawn to the flame. I was drawn to him. He filled the emptiness inside me. I was yearning for someone to lavish my affections on. Someone to whom I could express the anger and the hate that burned so deep inside it left blisters on my broken heart, and he was there.

I thought I would have him forever, but I was mistaken. He was just like everyone else. For so long, people have been false towards me. For so long, they have only put up with me. Kindly, yes. Willingly, no. I have seen the act so many times before that I have learned to mimic it. It is now the face that every person sees. I am the living lie.

I will begin the tale with how we met, who I was, and how I thought before him.
I was a simple high school student with a complex and haunted past. I was a senior to be exact. I was your typical, perfect student and boy. Straight A's and top of my class, captin of the basketball team, star of the dramma club, and plenty of friends who would turn their back on me the instant it was gone.
I had it all. My future looked bright, despite the fact my past was as dark and gloomy as a haunted graveyard. I loved where I was, and I loved everyone. Even though I knew they wore a painted face of false kindness and respect when I was around. I was under the belief that they were jealous of my talent and abilities, though the real reason for their displeasure of me may be that of something else. I know longer care.
Even then, when I was at my best, I was angry at the world. I kept to my self, though what I did reveal was truthfull.
I would say it was the middle of the year when I met him. For a while I believed that he was the next step in my accomplishments, that I had found a love that was honest and true. I believed that I had found early what it takes some a life time to discover. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. The moment we met was the exact moment my life spiraled downward into a living hell where my soul is open to daily torture.
His lie was better than the others. His appeal was also far greater. I can remember an immense satisfaction of running my fingers through is short dark hair. Looking into his deep green eyes.
Over the corse of the year he managed to convince me to open up. I told him everything. I told him about my abusive drunk of a father. I told him about the death of my three brothers. I told him how me and my mother were left in the streets to starve by not only him but the rest of my family as well.
I have learned to never trust in the hearts of men. I'm still not sure what it was about me that turned him away but he eventually started to back off. Maybe it was how emotional I was about my past. Maybe I was to forward with my love for him. Maybe he never loved me to begin with, I don't know. What I do know he began to toy with my emotions. He played with me like a hungry cat plays with its food before totally destroyed everything that I was. Though I still didn't recognize it.
I lost sleep. My every thought was on him. His unrelenting falsified love drove me to an insomnia. My grades began to fall. I'd see him once and for a week I would be ok. It was obvious, he was my obbsession. No he was more than that. He was my drug. He was the all controlling addiction.
He left me. He didn't just leave me. He left with that bastard that stole him from me.
I quit everything. I quit my team, dropped out of school, and, like the rest of my family before me, left my mother. I know what your thinking. I over exxagerated. I stupidly fell apart and wasted everything that I was and could have been over something as simple as the shattering of an already cracked heart. Well you may be right, but if you think about it, it was only a matter of time till it happened any way. I was on the verge of snapping and I had turned a blind eye to it all. I was dying.